I'm one of those people who strongly believes everything happens for a reason. I do my best to look at every situation like a lesson waiting to be learned. Maybe I see things that way because I have naturally nerdy tendencies or because it truly is the best coping technique i've ever come across. Either way, my go to solution for things is always to find the lesson.
I feel like life is one big classroom. You can learn from everything and anything. From nature I learn to allow things to develop naturally without force. For example, water teaches me to change and adapt to circumstances while still allowing things to just flow. From people I learn so much I'm not even quite sure where I should start. Family has taught me to view things from a different perspective, friends have taught me how to stay grounded. And romantic relationships..well I think we learn the most from those.
What I really love about romantic relationships is the amount of vulnerability in them. That vulnerability is what really gives you insight into yourself. We tend to think that while in a relationship we learn more about or partners than ourselves, but usually the opposite is true. I've never learned more about who I am and what makes me tick than when I'm in a relationship with someone else. Of course for me all that learning came after it was over. At the time I was in the relationship I didn't actually see any of those insightful moments, or lessons I could learn. Instead I focused on what I thought the other person should've been learning....I thought "he should learn to be more open, more thoughtful, more considerate..why doesn't he just learn!" I was so focused on his part in the relationship I never stopped to think about the lesson I should have been learning.
It's funny because it used to be any time I looked back on that relationship I was plagued with 'what ifs' and thoughts of things I should have done differently. I would remember all the anger and unnecessary tears. I resented that relationship on some level because I couldn't understand why it didn't turn out the way I'd imagined.
It wasn't until I started really working on getting past my emotional road blocks that I was able to see that relationship in a different light. This time I saw it as an assignment, and I studied the sh*t out of it! As someone completely in love with the idea of self actualization and becoming the best me I could possibly be, I became obsessed with finding life lessons in all my past "failures". So I analyzed that relationship right down to the bone and tried to squeeze out as many lessons as humanly possible. And it worked in a way.. I learned a ton of things about myself and how I relate to others. But the one thing that hadn't changed despite all my learning was that feeling of wanting to go back and do it all over again.
However, today things were different. For the first time I was able to look back on that that relationship with love. I started listening to a cd that was basically the soundtrack to my life during that time andsurprisingly there were no tears. As I listened to the songs that narrated my past I found myself smiling. I had no regrets regarding that time in my life or how much I'd invested in the relationship. Not a single "what if" thought came to mind this time. The most beautiful part is there was no denile. I didn't try to down play how significant that relationship was for me..didn't talk myself into thinking I didn't really love him..didn't try to force one more lesson out of it. And it felt amazing!
All I felt was a sense of peace and acceptance, and you know what...I was happy and grateful for everything. I was glad that I can remember feeling so strongly about someone and not feel badly about it. There were no regrets, there was only an open heart filled with gratitude and fond memories.
At that moment I realized I'd finally learned the lesson that relationship was meant to teach me...Acceptance. Sometimes we try squeeze 20 lessons out of a situation when the only lesson there is..is acceptance. In the end that's the only thing that ever really gives us peace regarding past relationships, being able to just accept what was and what is, without forcing anything else out of it. Because the truth is you can't force closure.
Funny how it can take years to truly appreciate a "failed" relationship for everything it was..the good, the unpleasant, & the lessons learned. Now I finally accept it all...it took me a while but I finally got it. Today I actually look back at that relationship with real love and gratitude. I mean, yes by most peoples standards it was a failed attempt at a relationship, but thats ok. Whether it can be considered a failure or a success I love it all the same. And more importantly, I accept it.
So think about the relationships or situations in your life where you feel you need closure, are you trying to force something out of it? If so, top trying to squeeze the lessons out of these situations..stop trying to speed up the closure process, and just accept it. Sometimes that's honestly the only lesson we have to learn.
I stumbled upon your blog a while back through herfuture.com and I love it. I relate to a lot of what you have to say, especially this post. I tend to overanalyze and figure out the lessons I should be learning too and sometimes I have to catch myself and go "Wait, stop. Breathe. You'll find out an answer when you need to." Does that make sense?
ReplyDeletethanks so much, that definately means a lot! so glad you can relate to what I say...and that absolutely makes sense! i find that sometimes it's really easy to get caught up in things and we unknowingly start to try to force progress. we mean well but essentially it's a bit of a control issue, so reminding yourself that you'll get the answer when needed is an awesome way to get in the habit of allowing things to just flow sometimes. ♥
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