Friday, June 22, 2012

Allow yourself to be looooved

I've always heard how all humans want is to love and be loved. simple enough right? Well not quite. It seems in most cases it's a lot easier for us to give love than to recieve it. It may seem strange but I assure you it really is a problem!

Why is it so hard for us to accept love sometimes? I don't think there's one definitive answer to that question, the reasons are different for everyone. I had two major reasons for why it was hard for me. #1.control  #2.self love

  Ok so I'm the first to admit that I've often used ice Queen tactics in order to scare people away because honestly feeling loved scared the shit out of me. I was perfectly comfortable giving love, showing others i care, but it always made me sooo uncomfortable when people recipricated. I always percieved love as something that was fleeting, and why would i want any of that? my thoughts always went to "sure, you're gonna love me today and take it away tomorrow..thanks but no me a favor and kindly back off". So not allowing myself to be loved was in a way just me trying to control the situation. Making sure i was safe from disappointment, because i just "knew" that if i didnt control that I'd end up hurt...I never noticed till a yr ago just how much of an issue control was for me, but it was really just my way of feeling safe because i assumed everything and everyone else would let me down. The ironic part in all of this? Despite my desperate need to control things, I was letting myself down the entire time..

I'd get into this sort of mothering zone where i was just used to being in control and taking care of others emotionally, but no one was mature enough to help me..self rightous? maybe a little, but it was the sort of scenerio id dealt with all my life and my skewed perception made it difficult for me to see things in any other light.

Which brings me to reason i'm sure if you've read any of my previous posts you know by now that I have a tendency to come back to this self love point. And yes i'm about to make that point again, but think about can't possible talk about love without addressing the love (or lack thereof) that you have for yourself. Another reason why i couldnt fully accept love from others was because I didn't believe it. I thought they were being disingenuous because quite frankly i didn't see what the hell was so lovable about me, and i thought i knew myself better than anyone else. i cant find a good enough reason to love myself so why the hell would you? you must be faking it..

Take it from someone who's sad when you don't allow yourself to loved by yourself or others. You feel like a glass half full . and i know some peopl think that's supposed to be a good thing but let me just say being all the way full beats being half full anytime!.

so here are my top 3 suggestions on how to get more comfortable with recieving love

1. feel uncomfotable- you've gotta allow yourself to feel all the discomfort if you plan on gettin to the good stuff!

2. Say I love you and why- I know there are already a ton of affirmations out there that encourage you to tell yourself how awesome you are but being the analytical thinker I am, I always feel like having a reason why helps things really sink in.

So I'm gonna ask you to take it a step further than just looking in the mirror and saying I love you. Come up with one reason why you love yourself, (actually you could come up with an entire list explaining why because you're amazing and there are a million things that make that true) and post it below... So what if it seems like bragging, I can assure you, you probably don't brag ENOUGH about yourself!

sending you lotssss of love! and asking you to please recieve it ..Cos remember darlings "The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return"

Thursday, May 24, 2012

Today Youtube Saved me

I've been wanting to write on this blog for a whilebut I just wasn't sure how to get back into the swing of things. Today, I think I found my rhythm.
It's funny how inspiration can come from the strangest of places..and as I learned today, sometimes salvation can too.

I've had a really tumultuous relationship with food since I was about 13. Sometimes I would restrict myself to eating 1 piece of fruit a day, other times would binge when no one was looking.  I never told anyone about my issues with food but they were clearly there, and kept resurfacing every couple of years. My fears of being inadequate always did a really good job at triggering my destructive behavior. The simplest of things would send me on a downward spiral. Shopping got to be torture, and I couldn't even go on a date unless I had "prep time", which involved starving myself 2 wks prior to. Needless to say I was a mess.

The last time I went on one of those downward spirals was about two yrs ago, and somehow I hadn't had any issues since...until a few wks ago. I was still eating healthy and not starving myself, but I felt those negative nagging thoughts grow stronger every day. And today was the hardest day of all, I felt myself giving in to those thoughts. I spent most of the day debating whether or not to eat, and as the day went on I was honestly leaning towards no. I even found myself looking at pictures and videos as "thinspiration" the way I used to. And I'm actually really glad I did because I came across a video that helped pull me out of that destructive mindset. It's an odd thing to say, but today youtube saved me.

I know you can find a lot of stuff on youtube, but it never crossed my mind that I'd be able to find that sense of hope I'd lost only a few short days ago. The best part is this wasn't a video of someone's inspirational vlog where they talk about the importance of loving yourself. This was a video that clearly demonstrated what it LOOKS like when someone loves themselves. The video showed a woman bellydancing, and she wasn't your typical thin dancer but you could tell the crowd loved her and better yet you could tell she really loved herself! She danced with such freedom, there was no shame on her face, just joy and that's exactly what I needed to see in order to snap back to reality. The reality is that we're always beautiful... on a level that's much deeper than your outward appearence. She reminded me that my beauty comes from your soul, not my thighs.

So here's the video, and I hope you get something as amazing as I did from it...

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Valentines day Bravery

So I got to thinking last night about all the misconceptions surronding valentines day. Some people feel it's a greeting card holiday, and is essentially meaningless. Others celebrate with chocolate, which i do love and appreciate but a part of me just felt like there was definately more to it. I also quite like the idea of  celebrating it as a love holiday, it makes sense, but still I felt as though there was missing piece of the puzzle.

Now I know the history of valentines day and have known it for quite a while but for some reason all I ever got out of it was"love". Maybe that's because I was too young to get the true meaning when I first heard the story, or maybe because when you're a kid all you really need is love, so there was no need to find an additional lesson in that story. But these days love isn't always enough. The more you grow up the more you realize that love often needs a companion..popular choices are often trust, and communication, but for Valentines day I think bravery is much more appropriate.

In case you're unfamiliar with the origins of valentines day, I'll give you a quick rundown.
Saint Valentine was somewhat of a defiant roman priest that lived during the 3rd century AD under emperor Claudius the 2nd. Claudius ended up banning marriage because he thought it would distract his soldiers from fighting the war. However, Rebel fatherValaentine was not buying into any of Claudius' foolishness so he continued to secretly marry young couples. Now if that isn't brave I don't know what is! I mean to do something you truly believe in even when you know you run the risk of being executed if you're found out, that takes A)an amazing amount of conviction and B) a steel set of balls.

So yes Valentines day is undoubtedly about love but it's also about bravery and conviction, and being true to yourself no matter the risk. Those are lessons we often overlook, but they're clearly the biggest part of the story.

Now with that being said take a moment to really let that sink in and think about your own truth, your own convictions, and be inspired to have the bravery to live them.
Today make it a point to not only celebrate love, but celebrate the bravery it takes for your heart to accept and give love openly, willingly, and without conditions.. because that in itself makes you absolutely amazing and akin to a warrior.

So I encourage you to go out take a risk, do something brave, say something loving, and feel like the awesome badass that you are.♥

Monday, February 13, 2012

Sometimes the Only Lesson is Acceptance

I'm one of those people who strongly believes everything happens for a reason. I do my best to look at every situation like a lesson waiting to be learned. Maybe I see things that way because I have naturally nerdy tendencies or because it truly is the best coping technique i've ever come across. Either way, my go to solution for things is always to find the lesson.

I feel like life is one big classroom. You can learn from everything and anything. From nature I learn to allow things to develop naturally without force. For example, water teaches me to change and adapt to circumstances while still allowing things to just flow. From people I learn so much I'm not even quite sure where I should start. Family has taught me to view things from a different perspective, friends have taught me how to stay grounded. And romantic relationships..well I think we learn the most from those.

What I really love about romantic relationships is the amount of vulnerability in them. That vulnerability is what really gives you insight into yourself. We tend to think that while in a relationship we learn more about or partners than ourselves, but usually the opposite is true. I've never learned more about who I am and what makes me tick than when I'm in a relationship with someone else. Of course for me all that learning came after it was over. At the time I was in the relationship I  didn't actually see any of those insightful moments, or lessons I could learn. Instead I focused on what I thought the other person should've been learning....I thought "he should learn to be more open, more thoughtful, more considerate..why doesn't he just learn!" I was so focused on his part in the relationship I never stopped to think about the lesson I should have been learning.

 It's funny because it used to be any time I looked back on that relationship I was plagued with 'what ifs' and thoughts of things I should have done differently. I would remember all the anger and unnecessary tears. I resented that relationship on some level because I couldn't understand why it didn't turn out the way I'd imagined.

It wasn't until I started really working on getting past my emotional road blocks that I was able to see that relationship in a different light. This time I saw it as an assignment, and I studied the sh*t out of it! As someone completely in love with the idea of self actualization and becoming the best me I could possibly be, I became obsessed with finding life lessons in all my past "failures". So I analyzed that relationship right down to the bone and tried to squeeze out as many lessons as humanly possible. And it worked in a way.. I learned a ton of things about myself and how I relate to others. But the one thing that hadn't changed despite all my learning was that feeling of wanting to go back and do it all over again.

However, today things were different. For the first time I was able to look back on that that relationship with love. I started listening to a cd that was basically the soundtrack to my life during that time andsurprisingly there were no tears. As I listened to the songs that narrated my past I found myself smiling. I had no regrets regarding that time in my life or how much I'd invested in the relationship. Not a single "what if" thought came to mind this time. The most beautiful part is there was no denile. I didn't try to down play how significant that relationship was for me..didn't talk myself into thinking I didn't really love him..didn't try to force one more lesson out of it. And it felt amazing!

All I felt was a sense of peace and acceptance, and you know what...I was happy and grateful for everything. I was glad that I can remember feeling so strongly about someone and not feel badly about it. There were no regrets, there was only an open heart filled with gratitude and fond memories.

At that moment I realized I'd finally learned the lesson that relationship was meant to teach me...Acceptance. Sometimes we try squeeze 20 lessons out of a situation when the only lesson there acceptance. In the end that's the only thing that ever really gives us peace regarding past relationships, being able to just accept what was and what is, without forcing anything else out of it. Because the truth is you can't force closure.

Funny how it can take years to truly appreciate a "failed" relationship for everything it was..the good, the unpleasant, & the lessons learned. Now I finally accept it took me a while but I finally got it. Today I actually look back at that relationship with real love and gratitude. I mean, yes by most peoples standards it was a failed attempt at a relationship, but thats ok. Whether it can be considered a failure or a success I love it all the same. And more importantly, I accept it.

So think about the relationships or situations in your life where you feel you need closure, are you trying to force something out of it? If so, top trying to squeeze the lessons out of these situations..stop trying to speed up the closure process, and just accept it. Sometimes that's honestly the only lesson we have to learn.

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Attachment Sucks!

I have an amazing amount of empathy, it's part of what makes me kinder, and gentler at times but also kind of haunts me. Not quite sure when i developed this, but it's a part of me now and i don't see it going away any time soon, nor do I want it to. The only downside is feeling stressed and worried, and hurt for someone else, even if you're not involved in the situation.

I think a lot of people get really good at turning off their emotions or maybe they've just mastered the art of detachment. Whatever the case may be, I've noticed not all of us have this issue with empathy. However, for those of us that do, it's definately a struggle. It's like there's an automatic energy exchange between you and someone else and suddenly you're the one feeling burdened even when you don't personally have a reason to.

I didn't even notice this was that big of deal until I started seeing a couple I cared about go through a divorce. I know there was nothing for me to do, and it was not my place to try to fix anything. I'd come to terms with the fact that everyone is going through their own process and sometimes there are difficult situations we choose to bring into our lives because they're necessary for our growth. I knew all of this but still I wanted to fix it. Not the marriage, but the hurt, and sadness, the anger, and resentment. It was then I realized just how much I felt all of their emotions, and how badly I wanted to stop. I wanted to fix things because I was at a point where I couldn't take it anymore, I was hurting right along with them and I felt awful.

Clearly I was too attached, to the people, to the situation, to everything. For several weeks I felt like I was being guided toward a single lesson...releasing attachments. And I understood that lesson on a superficial level before but now I really get it. I've peeled back the layers of that lessons and gotten down to the very core of it. Suffering comes from attachment. Now I know this probably sounds pretty rational and you think you understand that statement enough but odds are you don't. You can't possibly understand how deep that statement is until you've managed to disect it and proceeded to see and feel how it's relevant to every aspect of your life.

So today I challenge you to think about that statement "Suffereing come from attachment".
Think about what that really means for you in your life.
What are you attached to? how has it caused you some level of suffering?

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

Family Stress

I don't know about you guys but for the longest time my family was the biggest issue in my life. Now don't get me wrong, I love them dearly but...*sighs*...they just have a way of complicating things. I've grown enough to know that there's always a lesson to be learned in every situation but to be honest when it concerns family my first thought isn't always "hmmm, what can I learn?". My first thought is normally something along the lines of "F*ck, here we go again, let the stress begin".

I know everyone says that the way you think about a situation ultimately shapes the experience you have, and I completely agree. However, I also know that it can be really challenging at times to deal with the clusterf*ck of emotions that family brings out in us, and see things in a positive light. To be quite honest I spent a lot of my life blaming my family for most of my emotional issues. I was caught in a loop of "shoulds". They should've taught me certain things, should've been better role models, should've learned to deal with their own emotional issues so they didn't project that on to me, should've been more aware of the impact their words and actions have on the people around them...

These days when I go back and look at some of those emotional issues I've dealt with and try to get down to the root cause or remember the first time I felt a certain way, it does usually go back to family. And I certainly don't take back any of the thoughts I had about them in the past because I believe that was my truth at that point in time. But what I do take back is the resentment and the feeling of helplessness that I allowed myself to feel regarding my family. Blaming them really wasn't doing me any good, it only helped build up anger and resentment. Blaming them only made me less powerful, less in control of my own life and more unhappy.

It really all comes down to a feeling of helplessness. When you blame someone for your emotional reactions you willingly step into that victim role and become helpless. And helplessness is just not my cup of tea. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I am truly a fierce creative and powerful woman, and allowing myself to feel anything less than that does not serve me or others.

So think about who you've been handing your power over to, is it family, a boss, a partner???
Well let me give you a word of advice...TAKE IT BACK!
from now on just own your emotions, don't hand that power over to anyone else. You're much too powerful to ever play that victim role believably. ♥

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Cure for lonely

 I think most of us have experienced a feeling of lonliness at some point in time. But do you ever think about the relation between being alone and feeling lonely? People tend to make the assumption that being alone=lonliness, which I don't believe at all. I look at it this way, being along is a physical state of being, ie you're alone in your room. Lonliness on the other hand is a an emotional state. So really these two things are completely different in nature and aren't really related. However we've somehow told ourselves the opposite is true.

 We fear being alone, and that fear is what brings loneliness into our lives. Most of us don't even know how to be alone, we feel like we need a certain amount of interaction with other people in order to stay sane. I always thought that was normal but it's really not. Don't you think it's bizarre that we look to connect with other people only to avoid connecting with ourselves? What is it about just being with ourselves that makes us so uncomfortable?Why does a physical state of being alone cause us such fear that it brings about an emotional state of loneliness and how do we change that?

I think the only way to get over loneliness is to be alone. Now I know it may not make sense at first but just hear me out. The reason there's so much fear surronding the thought of being alone is because in most cases it's unfamiliar to us. Many of us haven't ever really been alone before, because everytime we are we reach out for someone or something to distract us from ourselves. We need to become comfortable with being alone with ourselves, it's the only way we can get connected to what's really going on with us beneath the surface. Once you embrace the thought of enjoying your own company the issue of lonliness has a way of disappearing.

I like to think of lonliness as a reminder to connect with myself. Any time I've felt lonely it wasn't really because I was out of touch with other people it was because I was out of touch with myself. So next time you feel lonely try to dig deep and get to root of that feeling. Is the lonliness there because you don't have anyone to distract you from what's going on inside of you? If so, I suggest tapping into that feeling, let it guide you back to connecting with who you are and what you distractions.