I second guessed myself a lot on whether or not I should write this blog. I wanted to share the things I've experienced in hopes thats someone might relate and maybe feel less lost and alone than I did. However, at the same time I thought "maybe this is a little personal, sharing this would only make me vulnerable". So let me just say I'm almost a little terrified to write this, but I'm going to do it anyway (that's just how badass I am!).
For a long time I surpressed emotions and locked everything away. The saddest part is in my mind I'd already let go of any grudges or issues that could've been holding me back. So naturally I assumed that's just who I was, a cold, distant, emotionally constipated person. I didn't feel anything and there was no rhyme or reason why. Well it's safe to say I was wrong, there's always a reason we act the way we do and there's always a defining moment in our lives where that shift occurs, for me it happened when I was 11.
When things really changed for me was when my grandmother died, at that point I'd lived with my grandparents my entire life and she wasn't just my grandma she was my mother. I remember the night she died vividly (probably more vividly than I'd like). I remember my grandfather rushing into my room in the middle of the night yelling frantically, saying my grandmother had stopped breathing. He was an emotional wreck, and I was the one to call 911. The operator told me I had to do cpr, and I was terrified, I wasn't even sure I was doing it right but I was the only person not freaking out at that moment so it had to be me. I had no time to think or even process what was really happening. It didn't hit me that my mom was dying until I heard my aunt cry in the background, and once I heard that I broke down. I don't know how long I cried, it might have been a split second but it felt like much longer. I still remember the operator trying to calm me down telling me I had to be the one to keep it together...
After that night I kept replaying those words in my head. The words "keep it together" kind of haunted me for years. I thought maybe if I hadn't broken down for that split second I could've saved her. All I kept thinking is my grandmother had died and it was my fault because I was weak, because I was emotional. After that I pretty much shut myself down. I refused to cry, refused to feel anything. I got in the habit of just supressing all emotion because subconciously I thought allowing myself to feel would only end badly. But all those emotions I refused to feel didn't go away, they stayed and affected every single aspect of my life even if I wasn't aware of it. I tried to change, tried to open up to people, and sometimes managed to talk myself into thinking I really had let go of anything that could've been holding me back. However NONE of that worked, because in reality I had only scratched the surface of my emotional issues. I had to first really get in touch with why I'd shut down emotionally and then allow myself to feel everything I'd been most afraid of . Now maybe at this point you're asking yourself how this is even relevant to your life if your grandma is still alive and well, so I'll just get to the moral of this story. My point is we often hold on to things even after we've convinced ourselves we're over it. And every moment you spend refusing to let go is a moment you spend torturing yourself. It took me 12 years before I allowed myself to really mourn my grandmothers death and let go of the guilt, but once I did let go I got a little bit of my freedom back.
Bottom line is you can try to change and even read all the books you want, and listen to all the self help lectures out there but until you really commit to getting honest with yourself nothing will work.
Until you muster up the courage to feel your deepest pain it will always be there. Until you let go nothing works.
Love yourself enough to let go of the things that haunt you.
