Wednesday, December 28, 2011

what are you afraid to express? what ingredient are you leaving out?


What are you afraid to express? We've all had something we're afraid to express or embrace. Sometimes it's because we're scared to be judged by others but most of the time we're just scared of ourselves. There are bits and pieces of ourselves that we like to hide away for no one to see, not even us. We know they're still there but refuse to let them out...I've always felt like a caged bird, but it wasnt until recently that I realized I was the one caging myself in. I longed for freedom and thought that came with changing my external circumstances but just like with everything else it all starts from within.

I believe we fear ourselves much more than we fear anything or anyone else. Fear what we feel and believe and sometimes even fear those things we know deep down we need desperately. I feared my freedom. Now let me explain, all of my life I've been responsible, dependable, logical, for the most part I am queen of keeping it together. I don't usually take risks, and in the rare instances that I do they're VERY carefully calculated and odds are I have nothing to lose. But despite how logical practical and put together I am there's always a part of me that wants the freedom to be completely reckless.

I would look at people who were crazy impulsive and took risks and WISH I could let myself go enough to do those things, to be that free. But I never trusted myself, that's what it all comes down to. I thought that if I let that crazy impulsive fearless side of me out of it's cage all hell would break loose. In all serioiusness I was scared of the damage I could do to myself, of the bad things that could happen. And how insane is that??!! do you know how bizarre it is to limit yourself and basically cage yourself in emotionally because you don't have the courage to trust your own inner wisdom. I mean I really don't know what dangers I thought I was protecting the world from by denying myself a sense of freedom, and to be completely honest it hadn't REALLY hit me how ridiculous I was being till I started writting this.

When we lock away all those pieces of ourselves that we view as a threat or see as potentially dangerous ( whether it's our emotions, impulsiveness, sensuality, etc) we deny ourselves the freedom to be ourselves. Even the things you're afraid to express are a part of you. Leaving them out of the equation doesn't make you a better person it makes you incomplete, and a tad bit repressed.

Have you ever cooked something and left out an ingrediant only to find yourself disappointed with the end result? You know that feeling you get when you first bite into something that looks amazing but instantly tastes like it's missing something. You may not know what's missing but you instinctively know there's something that could make it way better...Ok now think of a time where you tasted something perfect, nothing was missing, every flavor blended and complimented each other in such a way that your first bite was nearly orgasmic, remember that? Well that's kind of what we're like. Think of yourself as a full course meal in progress. Any time you deny a part of yourself you're leaving out an ingredient that makes you that much more amazingly delicious.




Learn to embrace all the pieces of you and above all trust yourself! Trust that inner guide and inner wisdom that knows how to bring you balance and mixes all the parts of you to perfection in order to create the most yummy version of you possible!

Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Always ask questions



I am quite possibly one of THE most inquisitive people you will ever meet in your life! I love questions, it's like those two weeks in middle school where the teacher taught me to ask who, what, where, why, (and how) before writting an essay are permanently engrained in my mind. I don't purposely ask a ton of questions to irritate people but it's kind of like a reflex for me now. I carry those simple questions with me everywhere because I learned at a young age that all the really important parts of a story are hidden in the details. In the past I've seen my affinity for questions as a negative thing, mostly because it seemed no one ever had any answers for me. However, today I realized it was my biggest asset.

I love questions because I hate confusion. Asking questions allows you to get through all the superficial layers of sugarcoated BS and get down to what's really important. Questions bring clarity and clarity brings peace of mind, simple as that.

See like I said before, the real story is always in the details. The story of who your are where you are and where you're going can all be figured out by answering a few simple questions. Problem is people are often afraid to question themselves, and even when they do decide to ask questions they ask all the wrong ones. I was taught to ask who, what, when, where and how, but even as a kid 'how' always seemed out of place. Oddly enough that's the one question we ask ourselves daily. The issue with always asking 'how' is you rarely have an answer. Unless we're talking about the past or can somehow see into the future, none of us ever know 'how'. It's like a trick question.

Replace your 'how?' with 'what? and why?'. Those are questions you actually hold the answers to, even when you think you have no clue. Trust me when I say 'how?' can paralyze you. Stop wondering how things will work out and instead ask what..what is it you really want? once you think you have an answer get past the superficial layers and ask why? That question is a life changer.

Once you figure out the real reason why you want something it opens up a whole lot of lock doors, you start getting answers you didn't know you needed. Sometimes you realize you want certain things for all the wrong reasons, and learn that what you actually need is something completely different. Other times you're able to get in touch with some really amazing reasons as to why you want something; you're able to tap into your passion and light a spark inside yourself to make it happen. So don't be afraid to ask questions, especially when you're asking yourself. Ask questions, Ask often, Ask what, Ask why.

Sunday, December 25, 2011

who's up for an emotional rollercoaster?




Ok so I cannot even begin to express to you guys how difficult it's been to try to write something these past few days. I have been through such an emotional rollercoaster in the past week! Every time I thought I had it together and the craziness had passed I'd come up on another emotional loopty loop. Which brings me to todays blog, unknowingly getting caught in a loop and how to get out.

Now a loop can be pretty much any repetetive behavior whether it's being stuck on that one person you can't seem to get over or making decisions that keep you in the same situation. And let me tell you something about loops, they kinda suck! Just like on a rollercoaster, the emotional loops in my life get me feeling out of sorts and plenty nauseaous.

I know we've all had them, we get caught in a vicious cycle with no real clue on how to make it out in one piece. And I would love to tell you I figured out how to get you out of your vicious cycle in one piece but I can't. As far as I can tell the only way out is to break. Yes, break. Sounds crazy but the way i see it we're caught in this loop because there's something we need to learn, there's some lesson that just isn't getting through to us. Sometimes the only way for things to really get to our core we need to allow ourselves to break open, that's right not just crack a little but break completely open. Let our walls crumble and our illusions shatter completely so we can see truth.

I get caught in relationship loops. Actually it's just one hell of a loop my rollercoaster has been stuck on for years. It's one of those I love you, I think I love you not..I'm over it, we can be just friends..sorta, kinda, aw hell idk wtf is goin on!!!
Every time I think I'm off I get sucked back in without even noticing it, but you know what I'm pretty tired of it. I'm gonna let myself break open, let truth shine through and finally allow myself to break free from the vicious cycle uncertainty.

Monday, December 19, 2011

I Surrender

"I surrender". There's something really powerful about those two words. I used to see surrender as giving up but it's not, it's giving in. But its giving in,  in a beautiful way, in a way that gives you a special kind of freedom you didn't know you needed. Letting the genle current of the universe carry you where it may because you know wherever it takes you will be beautiful. Takes a great deal of trust to surrender. Trust in yourself, in the greater good, trust that there are certain things we are destined to live and learn.

I always saw myself as swimming up stream, and try as I might i never really got where I was going. It was hard, exhausting, and frustrating but how else would I get what I wanted? Surrendering anything was far from my mind, I definately had a control issue. Still somehow little by little I started relinquishing control, realized I needed more and wanted more from life than just struggle. So I began letting go of my "wants" because honestly for most of my life I was never 100% sure that I really wanted what I said I wanted. I'd make up my mind to want something and would struggle and fight to get it but deep down I always doubted if it was right. And looking back It almost makes no sense to fight so hard for something you're unsure of.

Surrender offers a freedom and release from all your expectations. It allows things to start to flow naturally and fall into place in the best possible way. You see surrending is an art form. One I admit can be quite challenging to master. But I think we make it far more difficult than it has to be. We fear it like it's going to take something precious away from us. We think that when we decide to surrender and release a certain feeling, person or situation it means we have to forget it ever existed, but thats not how it works. Once you surrender, you still remember, and still feel. And that's fine, that's beautiful because it's what we're meant to do, feel (trust me, you'll look back on it and be glad you didn't go numb).

I know first hand it can be hard to let go of things when you're so emotionally invested in them but I think the key is to work with your emotions, not neglect them. In my experience surrendering is always challenging but the level of bravery needed to take the step towards surrender increases when what you have to release is a person. And it's even harder to do it when the emotions you're feeling are anger and love. Now if its anger than keeps you linked to that person the awesome news is this to me is the easiest of the two! In this case it's all about loving yourself and seeing how holding on to that anger affects you negatively. Anger and grudges can consume you and start to eat you up from the inside. Remember every second spent in anger is a potential second of happiness wasted

... Now if it's love that keeps you holding on I just wanna take a moment to send you a ton of love and give you a virtual hug ♥♥HUG♥♥

And I wanna just tell you that you are incredibly blessed, because you know love, and odds are you are absolutely amazing at loving others because you care so truly and deeply, and that is nothing short of a miracle, it's a gift.
Now with that being said, take a deep breath and make a conscious decision to let go of whoever it is you feel you need to release. Realize there are many ways to love. And sometimes letting go is the best and biggest act of love.
 So this week I'm making it all about surrender. I surrender my fears to the universe because I don't need or want them anymore. Surrender my dreams to the universe so they can come true, and surrender the person I love to universe because I don't know what's best for him, all I know is I want him to be happy. Today I stop swimming up stream, I'll surrender everything, out of love for myself and love for others. What do you have to surrender?

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

single for the holidays



I know around the holiday season it can get especially hard to deal with relationship issues whether it's friends, family or romantic. It's crazy but even when being surrounded by a ton of people around the holidays we tend to feel lonelier than ever before. That loneliness is brought about by all the comparing we do...We start comparing ourselves to all those people who are in relationships (real or otherwise). Other times we get hit with nostalgia like a ton of bricks and start comparing our last relationship to our current state of singleness. Or maybe you just compare this entire holiday season to one from your past and start counting all the ways things are different this yr. Whatever it is you're comparing, the point is you're comparing! And we really shouldn't compare our past to our present. This holiday season is different, just accept it. But just because it's different doesn't mean it has to be bad . Different can be amazing and beautiful.


I speak from experience when I say that it can be hard not being in a relationship this time of year. Just yesterday I got hit with the dreaded sense of nostalgia; started thinking about a past relationship and felt myself getting so bummed out I was practically channeling the depressed donkey from winnie tthe pooh . And wanna know what I did? Stopped watching the sad romantic drama mess on my tv! It wasn't till that moment I realized just how much that kind of stuff can affect us. We get bombarded with all these images of happy couples and families and start to feel like there's something wrong with not having that right now, like there's something wrong with us. We buy into this idea that the holidays are somehow less special if you're alone. But the truth is all the happy couples in commercials, and movies are FAKE! Somehow we overlook the fact that these images that are being fed to us are fiction. Now I'm all about happy couples, I love to see them, but more often than not when you look around at couples today they're nothing like the ones in the movies. Some of the real couples aren't even happy because the only thing keeping them in the relationship is a fear of loneliness. And settlling out of fear is most definately not how I want to spend my holiday season.


Theres a lot about this time of year that can make us buy into the illusion that we're lonely. And For the record being alone does not mean you're lonley. But I get it, we all want to share our lives and love with people who will love us back with just as much intensity as we do them. That's the key to all of this though, is realizing that what you want isn't just someone to kiss under the mistletoe or on new years. What you want is way better, because you deserve way better. Now is not the time to settle for less than you deserve, that would be the worst gift you could everrr give yourself. So this holiday season forget your ex, forget about how your friends are all coupled up, forget about anything and anyone that brings you down because this is meant to be a time of celebration! The holidays are meant to be a celebration of Love and you my darling ARE LOVE. So get out of your funk and celebrate you and all your awesomeness! you deserve it!



Monday, December 12, 2011

stop being so competetive!



"Stop being so competetive!" I tell myself this pretty consistantly. I find it so easy to get into a competetive mode where i'm comparing myself to others trying to size up who's smarter, more successful, more likeable, etc . Maybe it's because we live in a really competetive world or the fact I had low self esteem but I gotta say I loved competition. Mostly because I didn't feel I ever really lost (the fact that most of these competitions took place in my head probably had a lot to do with that).  I think around the holidays there's an especially strong spirit of competition and comparision going around when what we should be feeling is a strong sense of love and oneness.

Sometimes I feel the holidays are like the olympics for all the competitions we hold in our heads.
 If you're a woman going to holiday parties you're often competing (in your head) with every other woman there (your outfit just HAS to be beyond fabulous because the thought of someone looking better than you throws you into a frenzy). We run around department stores like chickens with our heads cut off trying to find the perfect gift before someone else grabs it, or spend hours brainstorming for a gift that will outshine everyone elses. We're always competing to stand out, but overlook the fact that you can't possibly stand out when you're doing the exact same thing everyone else is doing!

There is so much craziness we encourage during this time of year, and it's all because we get into this competetive mind set. We even end up rubbing off on kids because once christmas break is over they head back to school in that same competetive mindset. I remember going back to school after christmas and all the kids would talk about is who got the best gifts. They'd brag about how they got more presents than a fellow classmate. And all of this was normal for us! Even though we all knew deep down the holiday season meant more we never really acted that way because we were too caught up competeing with each other. I think that's the saddest part is even now as an adult I still see too many people caught up in that same mindset, too concerned with having the best "toys" or gifts . People often put so much emphasis on gifts and competiton during the holidays that they forget the biggest and best gift you can ever give and recieve is LOVE, and nothing can ever compete with that.

So just think about you holiday season so far...have you gotten caught up in a competetive mind set instead of focusing on love?

Saturday, December 10, 2011

Regret




I was thinking about my life this morning and all the ways it could be different. I started going through all the choices I've made and began to have an internal dialogue. I thought about the job I left and how I should've held in there for a little bit longer. I mean sure I was unhappy but at least it gave me a source of income. It would've been practical to suck it up and stay there, but when you feel like you're drowning and start to see life pass you by the last thing on your mind is practicality. So here I am, unempolyed with bills to pay and I thought hmm have I hit rock bottom? but instinctively I felt something within me say no..I needed all of this, I've made no mistakes because there is no such thing. Then it hit me this is what it feels like to not have any regrets. Feels like freedom, and it's authentic this time. It's not like all the other times I said I had no regrets but in the back of my mind kep holding on to all the "what ifs" of the past wanting to do it differently. For the first time ever I'm truly embracing my life and where I am. I can honestly say that from the moment I left that job I've been working on myself, growing. I realize now that any hardships I've encountered because of that decision were necessary and essential to my growth and happiness. Had I not left that job I wouldn't have had the time to get in touch with what it is I really want and maybe I would not have been able to make the decision to align my career with what I feel is my purpose. I mean yea I may not see all the money I'd like in my bank account right now, but I trust I will soon. Plus I think finding your sense of purpose and happiness is worth waaaaaaay more than they could've ever paid me. So if I could do it all over again, I'd do it all the same. I know now that not regreting anything means learning from everything.


Friday, December 9, 2011

Masking Vulnerability



  Today I found myself feeling desperate. And to me that is such an ugly word, it just screams 'lack'. I noticed that whenever I feel desperate it's because I'm thinking from a place of lack, and "I don't haves". I don't have enough time, I don't have enough money, I don't have a solution, I JUST DON'T HAVE ANYTHING. That's what the thoughts in my head kept screaming today. The great part about this is it made me ask for help.

I've never been the type of person to ask for help...hell, I hardly ever accept it when it's offered. But I'd recently watched a TEDx talk about the importance of being vulnerable. The speaker said the one thing that people who live whole heartedly have in common is their willingness to be vulnerable. Now I have to say that initially my ego scoffed at the thought of vulnerability, but upon further consideration I came to the conclusion that it's actually a damn good idea! So I asked for help in every way i could. I asked the universe to give me a break and gimme a sign, and I asked a group of amazing people for support. And you know what? I got it! I felt so much love and support from people holding space for me. I even started seeing 11's everywhere. Not only did the universe have my back, but so did everyone else. And all I had to do was ask..

When you think about it, vulnerability is nothing more than being authentic, it's pure honesty. Think how much easier would your life be if you were just honest ALL the time. No more pretending you're alright, or acting like you can do it all on your own. You wouldn't have to worry about wearing a certain mask, or playing a certain role, you could just be. And let's be honest acting like you can do it all only makes you feel crappy. What usually happens is you act like you've got it under control even though you're falling apart inside, and though we may not readily admit it we want someone to reach out and offer to help. But no one does because they only know what they see and what they see is someone who's "in control" and doesn't need anything. Then we end up feeling even worse thinking no one cares enough to offer their help or support when you really need it. See how refusing to be vulnerable and ask for help just turns into an emotional downward spiral of suckyness? You  may think you're protecting yourself by refusing to be vulnerable but in reality masking your vulnerability only pushes people away and leaves you feeling exhausted, isolated and probly a little pissed off. So allow yourself to be vulnerable, be honest, be authentic, trust me it's much less stressful.

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Clues from my subconscious

 I'm a big believer in signs, I think they're everywhere and we just need to be open to them. Sometimes they're in the most unexpected places. For example, today I was going through some of my old emails and profiles and noticed something that really surprised me. Up until recently, I rarely if ever capitalized my name. Now to most people it may not seem like a big deal but having gone through a battle with my own self loathing I was able to recognize that was just one more sign of my lack of self love that I hadn't noticed before.

You see every time something is important you capitalize it. Ever since elementary school I was taught that the first letter of important names were always capitalized. Did I not think my name was important enough to merrit a capital R, damnit?!...Clearly, I didn't. I found myself getting annoyed by this lack of capital letters in my name because I knew it meant more. This wasn't just about me being too lazy or in too much of a rush to capitalize things. This was a direct reflection of the lack of self worth and self love I'd experienced in the past.



It's crazy how these little signs are everywhere. There are always clues that let you know there's something you need to work on. Even the feelings we supress and things we try to hide find their way into the light in one way or another. Most of the time we're just too busy rushing through life, to see these warning signs. Other times we overlook these things and write them off as being insignificant. But we have to become more aware of these little signs, it's guidance. Subconsciously you KNOW there's a problem and you WANT to fix. These little clues you see as "insignificant" can really help bring to the surface things we need to address and wounds we need to heal.
So take a an honest look at yourself, and get curious about the things you do and why you do them. If there's one thing I've learned, it's that there is always a reason and deeper meaning to everything we do.

Much ♥
'R'osi

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Say Hello to Goodbye



Goodbye is one of those words that stirs up a wide range of emotions in people. Emotional goodbyes can range from scary and painful to hopeful and exciting. My goodbyes were almost always pretty sad, someone was always on the brink of tears. However, lately I've started to see goodbyes as something so beautiful it's almost poetic.
My friends and I have a habit of trying to decipher our dreams, we believe they usually hold some hidden message from our subconscious. I know this may seem silly to some, but it's fun for us and you have no idea how many brilliant epiphanies I've had while trying to figure out the meaning of a dream! I distinctly remember one dream my friend told me about where it started at a certain point and went on kind of like a movie except instead of having an end it just went right back to the begining of the dream. You may think it sounds like a standard weird dream, but this really hit me hard. At that moment I realized there are no endings, only beginings. Now just let that sink in for a moment because it's actually really deep...
Everything in your life leads to something else. People like to percieve life as being very linear but I really see it as more of a circle, there's always something more. All of our goodbyes are really only new beginings. They mark the start of a new adventure, a new love, new chance for growth. All goodbyes open doors to an unlimited amount of possibilities. How beautiful is that?!?! I'm seriously just getting excited thinking about this. Looking at goodbyes this way makes it so much easier to accept when we have to say them. Whether you're walking away from a job, a person, or just a comfort zone, never be afraid of goodbye. Embrace the beauty and poetry of those moments. Know and trust that it's never the end, it's always the start of something more.

Much ♥

Do you really WANT to be happy?

When asked do you want to be happy most peopless immediate response is yes, they don't even bother giving the question much thought. "Doesn't everyone want to be happy?"....No...Truth is if you look around you'll notice a lot of people are perfectly content with being in a chronic state of unhappiness. Now I say these people are content in that state of unhappiness because they don't really do anything to change it. I mean sure they TRY to be happy but there's a huge difference between trying and actually doing. These are individuals who've decided to be a product of their enviornment and allow life to happen to them, they don't really live it.  How do I know this? I was one of them, and for the longest time I wasn't even aware of it.

 I think a lot of us have been conditioned to think that it's noble to suffer or be unhappy. Even from childhood all my favorite princesses had a tragic side to their story, and the tragedy was necessary! I mean they would've never gotten rescued by their prince had they not been in distress. And maybe I watched one too many spanish soap operas growing up, but I felt like I had to have drama in my life in order to get my happy ending... I was under this crazy illusion that you can't be happy unless you have pain first. So when bad things came up I held on tight, I'd almost feed off of it. I got into the habit of victimizing myself (not aloud to others but tust me I definately had that "poor me, life hates me" conversation with myself more than once). Before you know it you're in a chronic state of unhappiness, telling yourself you're trying to find your way out but this is something that's just out of your control.

Truth is there is no secret key to happiness, and the only reason it seems so unattainable to us is because we make it so. One of my favorite quotes is "If you want to be happy...BE". It's as simple as that. Sometimes we get so caught up in our external circumstances that we forget how much power we really have in our lives. All you have to do is choose to be happy and commit to that decision. Happiness isn't something you get when everything around you is "perfect". Happiness doesn't come around when you have a lot of money or the perfect relationship. Happiness is a state of mind, and depends on nothing and no one but you. Now I know things happen in life that hurt us, it's not all fairies and unicorns 24/7, pain does exist. But All you have to do is realize every difficult situation in your life is just a lesson waiting to be learned. Recognize pain as opportunity for growth. Start being thankful for those difficult moments, cherish the lessons they taught you, let go of the pain, and look forward to the beautiful things life has in store for you. Once you decide you really want to be happy and change the way you percieve things you'll find happiness in the most unexpected places. Always remember there's a ton of things to be thankful for and happy about, and if you can't think of one, just check your pulse...

PS Here's an amazing song that I think goes along with this theme of happiness.
Hope you like it.
Much ♥





Monday, December 5, 2011

Finding Love and Romance




It's safe to say pretty much everyone and their mothers are out to "find" love. It's also safe to say people generally enjoy romance, and we ladies tend to have an especially soft spot for romance. If you don't believe me just look at valentines day, or the film industry for a good example. Every movie I remember watching always includes some sort of love interest and slightly romantic angle regardless of the genre. The point is we love, love! However, the problem is, we often have the wrong idea of what love really is.

Our first limiting belief is that love has to be found. We always say we want to find love when the truth is love is everywhere and it doesn't need to be found because it isn't hiding! One of the main reasons we fail to see the love surrounding us is because of limiting belief #2..People are under the misconception that romance IS love, you can't have one without the other, and they both come in the form of a relationship with a partner. When the reality is you can have true love with no romance, beautiful romance that never turns into love, and you don't need a relationship for either.


When you say the word love most people will immediately think of a romantic relationship. I mean be honest what's the first image that comes to mind when you hear the word love?
For the longest time my idea of love was the image of a girl finding her soulmate. Love included flowers, romantic dinners, lots of flattery and a feeling of intimacy with my prince charming. In my mind if the romance wasn't there then surely the love couldn't be either. But Love is so much more than flowers and flattery, and romance can be seen in so many different areas of your life. Love and romance are much more than people give it credit for, and suprisingly enough they're also readily available, all you have to do is aknowledge it. Romance can be found in spending time with a friend, in working on a creative project, in pampering yourself, etc. The possibilities are endless because the true definition of romance isn't flowers, it's a spirit, or sentiment of beauty and affection. And love... love is felt not seen, it's anything that feeds your soul and heals your wounds. We try to keep love in a box by defining it with romantic illusions of what we think it should look like but there are no limits to love, only infinite freedom.
So stop trying to "find" love and romance, and just open your eyes to the all the love and romance goodness you already have in your life!

Much ♥
Rosi

Feeling stuck? EFF IT LET'S GO!


Lately I've noticed that I have a tendency to hold back. If the outcome of a situation seems unsure my natural instinct is to shy away from it. Doing this has honestly done more harm than good. I mean yes there are certain decisions I didn't make that I'm extremely thankful for, but overall not making any moves has just left me stuck!

Yesterday I was feeling just that, stuck, unsure of my future, but entirely too scared to make a move.
I'd just gotten back home from a trip and was eager to catch up on emails, when I logged onto my computer one of the first things I saw was a vlog by the amazing Gabrielle Bernstein (who I pretty much consider my mentor, I mean seriously she will change your life!). and this vlog was basically talking about going for it. Say eff it let's go, don't just sit there DO something.

 After watching it I sat and just thought for a minute...I was "stuck" in a city I didn't want, "stuck" in a job I didn't enjoy, "stuck" feeling mediocre. But the truth is you're NEVER really stuck, there are always options, always a way out. I'd just been using that "stuck" excuse to hide the fact that I was really just too scared to make a change. Life will always bring opportunities for greatness our way, all we have to do is take them. Sometimes we don't see those opportunities because we're stuck in fear, or if we do see them we're too scared to make a move. But sometimes you just have to set those fears aside and go for it. If you feel stuck it's your responsibility to take positive action and change it.

So here's Gabby's vlog, I hope it speaks to you as much as it did to me
sending you guys much love ♥

Monday, November 28, 2011

Thank you heartache

 I would love nothing more than for this to have only positive amazing entries but we all have off days every now and then. So this entry maybe isn't as positive as I'd like but it's honest.
I've been thinking a lot about relationships in my life lately, and while they've been my greatest teachers let me just say they are kicing my ass this week.
The hardest relationships are the ones you walk away from. I walked away from one, for my own good, because I decided to love me more. I wanted more than I ever thought I could ever get from him, and he wanted something I wouldn't give him. I think he wanted to save me, be the hero, have me need him but I didn't need a hero and I didn't want a savior. All I wanted was for someone to run with me. I don't want to ever be someone's missing puzzle piece, I want us each to be complete. So I walked away, and it was for the best but it doesn't make it any easier. Watching him move on it kind of hurts, mostly because it happened so fast. It took me years to walk away and I'm still struggling. I still miss him, I'll always care for him, always have love for him.
The good news is I won't make myself pretend I don't care this time around. To be honest I'm not sure I could pretend even if I tried, I'm not that good of an actress. This time I won't bury my feelings or hide my pain with rage, this time I'll just let it wash over me like a wave, and learn to be thankful for every second of it. Thankful for every time I feel those waves leave me gasping for air because at least it'll remind my lungs they like the taste of air.  I'll be thankful for every feeling of heartache because it means I'm still standing, I can still feel, and I've known love.

If you're in a similar situation just remember to take things day by day till it gets easier, and be grateful for every second until the pain is gone and there's nothing left but love. It's like detoxing...

Sunday, November 20, 2011

Don't Change A Thing!


Ok so let me start by saying that I'm all about self improvement. In my mind change is actually a really good thing.. I like it, I love it, I embrace it, I say Bring on the change! BUT only when you're changing for yourself. Whenever you change it has to be for the better and it has to be for you and no one else.

I think a lot of us fall into the bad habit of changing who we are just to please others; I myself have done it a ton of times! I was never really myself around people, I just always turned into whatever it was they needed me to be. I had this issue with everyone, with guys I wanted to be their dream girl, if he liked a certain type of music that I didn't you better believe I was going to do my research and listen to his fav music! With friends if they needed someone to give them boundries, there I was in mom mode. I somehow thought that filling whatever void they had in their lives by playing a certain role was the right thing to do, I thought it meant I was a good friend. The only problem is I was being a good friend to everyone except myself. I often found myself sacrificing not only who I was but what I believed in, just so I could be "a good friend". I mean I was constantly changing and all the while never recieving the slightest bit of gratitude from anyone. The whole thing was exhausting and dare I say painful. It was awful to feel like no one really knew me.  Then one day it finally hit me, I didn't even know who I was anymore. I'd lost so much of myself in everyone elses needs and expectations of me that I barely recognized who I was. Looking back I'm grateful for that experience because every person I changed myself for taught me a valuable lesson I won't ever forget. Don't change for anyone other than yourself, not for a guy or a friend, or anyone else, because I can tell you from experience it always ends badly! You always end up feeling like you sacrificed too much and hardly got anything in return.

If there's one life lesson you should always stick to it's to always stay true to yourself. Afterall, people  may come and go but your first and longest relationship is always with yourself. So love yourself enough to stay true to who you are.

Saturday, November 19, 2011

Love Yourself Enough To Let Go


I second guessed myself a lot on whether or not I should write this blog. I wanted to share the things I've experienced in hopes thats someone might relate and maybe feel less lost and alone than I did. However, at the same time I thought "maybe this is a little personal, sharing this would only make me vulnerable". So let me just say I'm almost a little terrified to write this, but I'm going to do it anyway (that's just how badass I am!).

For a long time I surpressed emotions and locked everything away. The saddest part is in my mind I'd already let go of any grudges or issues that could've been holding me back. So naturally I assumed that's just who I was, a cold, distant, emotionally constipated person. I didn't feel anything and there was no rhyme or reason why. Well it's safe to say I was wrong, there's always a reason we act the way we do and there's always a defining moment in our lives where that shift occurs, for me it happened when I was 11.

When things really changed for me was when my grandmother died, at that point I'd lived with my grandparents my entire life and she wasn't just my grandma she was my mother. I remember the night she died vividly (probably more vividly than I'd like). I remember my grandfather rushing into my room in the middle of the night yelling frantically, saying my grandmother had stopped breathing. He was an emotional wreck, and I was the one to call 911. The operator told me I had to do cpr, and I was terrified, I wasn't even sure I was doing it right but I was the only person not freaking out at that moment so it had to be me. I had no time to think or even process what was really happening. It didn't hit me that my mom was dying until I heard my aunt cry in the background, and once I heard that I broke down. I don't know how long I cried, it might have been a split second but it felt like much longer. I still remember the operator trying to calm me down telling me I had to be the one to keep it together...

After that night I kept replaying those words in my head. The words "keep it together" kind of haunted me for years. I thought maybe if I hadn't broken down for that split second I could've saved her. All I kept thinking is my grandmother had died and it was my fault because I was weak, because I was emotional. After that I pretty much shut myself down. I refused to cry, refused to feel anything. I got in the habit of just supressing all emotion because subconciously I thought allowing myself to feel would only end badly. But all those emotions I refused to feel didn't go away, they stayed and affected every single aspect of my life even if I wasn't aware of it. I tried to change, tried to open up to people, and sometimes managed to talk myself into thinking I really had let go of anything that could've been holding me back. However NONE of that worked, because in reality I had only scratched the surface of my emotional issues. I had to first really get in touch with why I'd shut down emotionally and then allow myself to feel everything I'd been most afraid of . Now maybe at this point you're asking yourself how this is even relevant to your life if your grandma is still alive and well, so I'll just get to the moral of this story. My point is we often hold on to things even after we've convinced ourselves we're over it. And every moment you spend refusing to let go is a moment you spend torturing yourself. It took me 12 years before I allowed myself to really mourn my grandmothers death and let go of the guilt, but once I did let go I got a little bit of my freedom back.




Bottom line is you can try to change and even read all the books you want, and listen to all the self help lectures out there but until you really commit to getting honest with yourself nothing will work.

  Until you muster up the courage to feel your deepest pain it will always be there. Until you let go nothing works.
Love yourself enough to let go of the things that haunt you.

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

My Story

 


    Once Upon a Time,
 There was a girl named Rosi, and she was amazing!... trouble is that like most young women she started to forget that. She unknowingly allowed fears and lies to take control of her life and change who she was. She'd managed to replace self love with self loathing and deep seeded insecurities. Her daily affirmations consisted of you're not pretty enough, not skinny enough, not good enough..No one sees you, No one hears you, No one cares...Always afraid to make mistakes, afraid her heart would break, afraid to love. And things went on that way for years until one day she decided she wanted her freedom back, NEEDED it back! So for the first time in a long time she chose love over fear, made up her mind to throw caution to the wind...to be reckless.  Her new affirmations became break my patterns, change my mind, and heal my heart. This time fear didn't stand a chance! she was going to rewite her story with love in order to take back her happy ending...

On this blog I'll share with you my lessons learned, and challenges encountered on my journey back to happy.
Loving recklessly  is helping me change my life and maybe it will inspire you to change yours too.

-sending you more love than you can imagine
 
Rosi