Allow yourself to be looooved

I've always heard how all humans want is to love and be loved. simple enough right? Well not quite. It seems in most cases it's a lot easier for us to give love than to recieve it. It may seem strange but I assure you it really is a problem!

Why is it so hard for us to accept love sometimes? I don't think there's one definitive answer to that question, the reasons are different for everyone. I had two major reasons for why it was hard for me. #1.control  #2.self love

  Ok so I'm the first to admit that I've often used ice Queen tactics in order to scare people away because honestly feeling loved scared the shit out of me. I was perfectly comfortable giving love, showing others i care, but it always made me sooo uncomfortable when people recipricated. I always percieved love as something that was fleeting, and why would i want any of that? my thoughts always went to "sure, you're gonna love me today and take it away tomorrow..thanks but no thanks..do me a favor and kindly back off". So not allowing myself to be loved was in a way just me trying to control the situation. Making sure i was safe from disappointment, because i just "knew" that if i didnt control that I'd end up hurt...I never noticed till a yr ago just how much of an issue control was for me, but it was really just my way of feeling safe because i assumed everything and everyone else would let me down. The ironic part in all of this? Despite my desperate need to control things, I was letting myself down the entire time..

I'd get into this sort of mothering zone where i was just used to being in control and taking care of others emotionally, but no one was mature enough to help me..self rightous? maybe a little, but it was the sort of scenerio id dealt with all my life and my skewed perception made it difficult for me to see things in any other light.

Which brings me to reason #2...self-love...now i'm sure if you've read any of my previous posts you know by now that I have a tendency to come back to this self love point. And yes i'm about to make that point again, but think about it...you can't possible talk about love without addressing the love (or lack thereof) that you have for yourself. Another reason why i couldnt fully accept love from others was because I didn't believe it. I thought they were being disingenuous because quite frankly i didn't see what the hell was so lovable about me, and i thought i knew myself better than anyone else. i cant find a good enough reason to love myself so why the hell would you? you must be faking it..

Take it from someone who knows..it's sad when you don't allow yourself to loved by yourself or others. You feel like a glass half full . and i know some peopl think that's supposed to be a good thing but let me just say being all the way full beats being half full anytime!.

so here are my top 3 suggestions on how to get more comfortable with recieving love

1. feel uncomfotable- you've gotta allow yourself to feel all the discomfort if you plan on gettin to the good stuff!

2. Say I love you and why- I know there are already a ton of affirmations out there that encourage you to tell yourself how awesome you are but being the analytical thinker I am, I always feel like having a reason why helps things really sink in.

So I'm gonna ask you to take it a step further than just looking in the mirror and saying I love you. Come up with one reason why you love yourself, (actually you could come up with an entire list explaining why because you're amazing and there are a million things that make that true) and post it below... So what if it seems like bragging, I can assure you, you probably don't brag ENOUGH about yourself!

sending you lotssss of love! and asking you to please recieve it ..Cos remember darlings "The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return"
♥Rosi

Today Youtube Saved me

I've been wanting to write on this blog for a whilebut I just wasn't sure how to get back into the swing of things. Today, I think I found my rhythm.
It's funny how inspiration can come from the strangest of places..and as I learned today, sometimes salvation can too.

I've had a really tumultuous relationship with food since I was about 13. Sometimes I would restrict myself to eating 1 piece of fruit a day, other times would binge when no one was looking.  I never told anyone about my issues with food but they were clearly there, and kept resurfacing every couple of years. My fears of being inadequate always did a really good job at triggering my destructive behavior. The simplest of things would send me on a downward spiral. Shopping got to be torture, and I couldn't even go on a date unless I had "prep time", which involved starving myself 2 wks prior to. Needless to say I was a mess.

The last time I went on one of those downward spirals was about two yrs ago, and somehow I hadn't had any issues since...until a few wks ago. I was still eating healthy and not starving myself, but I felt those negative nagging thoughts grow stronger every day. And today was the hardest day of all, I felt myself giving in to those thoughts. I spent most of the day debating whether or not to eat, and as the day went on I was honestly leaning towards no. I even found myself looking at pictures and videos as "thinspiration" the way I used to. And I'm actually really glad I did because I came across a video that helped pull me out of that destructive mindset. It's an odd thing to say, but today youtube saved me.

I know you can find a lot of stuff on youtube, but it never crossed my mind that I'd be able to find that sense of hope I'd lost only a few short days ago. The best part is this wasn't a video of someone's inspirational vlog where they talk about the importance of loving yourself. This was a video that clearly demonstrated what it LOOKS like when someone loves themselves. The video showed a woman bellydancing, and she wasn't your typical thin dancer but you could tell the crowd loved her and better yet you could tell she really loved herself! She danced with such freedom, there was no shame on her face, just joy and that's exactly what I needed to see in order to snap back to reality. The reality is that we're always beautiful... on a level that's much deeper than your outward appearence. She reminded me that my beauty comes from your soul, not my thighs.

So here's the video, and I hope you get something as amazing as I did from it...

Valentines day Bravery

So I got to thinking last night about all the misconceptions surronding valentines day. Some people feel it's a greeting card holiday, and is essentially meaningless. Others celebrate with chocolate, which i do love and appreciate but a part of me just felt like there was definately more to it. I also quite like the idea of  celebrating it as a love holiday, it makes sense, but still I felt as though there was missing piece of the puzzle.

Now I know the history of valentines day and have known it for quite a while but for some reason all I ever got out of it was"love". Maybe that's because I was too young to get the true meaning when I first heard the story, or maybe because when you're a kid all you really need is love, so there was no need to find an additional lesson in that story. But these days love isn't always enough. The more you grow up the more you realize that love often needs a companion..popular choices are often trust, and communication, but for Valentines day I think bravery is much more appropriate.



In case you're unfamiliar with the origins of valentines day, I'll give you a quick rundown.
Saint Valentine was somewhat of a defiant roman priest that lived during the 3rd century AD under emperor Claudius the 2nd. Claudius ended up banning marriage because he thought it would distract his soldiers from fighting the war. However, Rebel fatherValaentine was not buying into any of Claudius' foolishness so he continued to secretly marry young couples. Now if that isn't brave I don't know what is! I mean to do something you truly believe in even when you know you run the risk of being executed if you're found out, that takes A)an amazing amount of conviction and B) a steel set of balls.



So yes Valentines day is undoubtedly about love but it's also about bravery and conviction, and being true to yourself no matter the risk. Those are lessons we often overlook, but they're clearly the biggest part of the story.

Now with that being said take a moment to really let that sink in and think about your own truth, your own convictions, and be inspired to have the bravery to live them.
Today make it a point to not only celebrate love, but celebrate the bravery it takes for your heart to accept and give love openly, willingly, and without conditions.. because that in itself makes you absolutely amazing and akin to a warrior.

So I encourage you to go out take a risk, do something brave, say something loving, and feel like the awesome badass that you are.♥

Sometimes the Only Lesson is Acceptance

I'm one of those people who strongly believes everything happens for a reason. I do my best to look at every situation like a lesson waiting to be learned. Maybe I see things that way because I have naturally nerdy tendencies or because it truly is the best coping technique i've ever come across. Either way, my go to solution for things is always to find the lesson.

I feel like life is one big classroom. You can learn from everything and anything. From nature I learn to allow things to develop naturally without force. For example, water teaches me to change and adapt to circumstances while still allowing things to just flow. From people I learn so much I'm not even quite sure where I should start. Family has taught me to view things from a different perspective, friends have taught me how to stay grounded. And romantic relationships..well I think we learn the most from those.

What I really love about romantic relationships is the amount of vulnerability in them. That vulnerability is what really gives you insight into yourself. We tend to think that while in a relationship we learn more about or partners than ourselves, but usually the opposite is true. I've never learned more about who I am and what makes me tick than when I'm in a relationship with someone else. Of course for me all that learning came after it was over. At the time I was in the relationship I  didn't actually see any of those insightful moments, or lessons I could learn. Instead I focused on what I thought the other person should've been learning....I thought "he should learn to be more open, more thoughtful, more considerate..why doesn't he just learn!" I was so focused on his part in the relationship I never stopped to think about the lesson I should have been learning.


 It's funny because it used to be any time I looked back on that relationship I was plagued with 'what ifs' and thoughts of things I should have done differently. I would remember all the anger and unnecessary tears. I resented that relationship on some level because I couldn't understand why it didn't turn out the way I'd imagined.

It wasn't until I started really working on getting past my emotional road blocks that I was able to see that relationship in a different light. This time I saw it as an assignment, and I studied the sh*t out of it! As someone completely in love with the idea of self actualization and becoming the best me I could possibly be, I became obsessed with finding life lessons in all my past "failures". So I analyzed that relationship right down to the bone and tried to squeeze out as many lessons as humanly possible. And it worked in a way.. I learned a ton of things about myself and how I relate to others. But the one thing that hadn't changed despite all my learning was that feeling of wanting to go back and do it all over again.

However, today things were different. For the first time I was able to look back on that that relationship with love. I started listening to a cd that was basically the soundtrack to my life during that time andsurprisingly there were no tears. As I listened to the songs that narrated my past I found myself smiling. I had no regrets regarding that time in my life or how much I'd invested in the relationship. Not a single "what if" thought came to mind this time. The most beautiful part is there was no denile. I didn't try to down play how significant that relationship was for me..didn't talk myself into thinking I didn't really love him..didn't try to force one more lesson out of it. And it felt amazing!

All I felt was a sense of peace and acceptance, and you know what...I was happy and grateful for everything. I was glad that I can remember feeling so strongly about someone and not feel badly about it. There were no regrets, there was only an open heart filled with gratitude and fond memories.

At that moment I realized I'd finally learned the lesson that relationship was meant to teach me...Acceptance. Sometimes we try squeeze 20 lessons out of a situation when the only lesson there is..is acceptance. In the end that's the only thing that ever really gives us peace regarding past relationships, being able to just accept what was and what is, without forcing anything else out of it. Because the truth is you can't force closure.

Funny how it can take years to truly appreciate a "failed" relationship for everything it was..the good, the unpleasant, & the lessons learned. Now I finally accept it all...it took me a while but I finally got it. Today I actually look back at that relationship with real love and gratitude. I mean, yes by most peoples standards it was a failed attempt at a relationship, but thats ok. Whether it can be considered a failure or a success I love it all the same. And more importantly, I accept it.

So think about the relationships or situations in your life where you feel you need closure, are you trying to force something out of it? If so, top trying to squeeze the lessons out of these situations..stop trying to speed up the closure process, and just accept it. Sometimes that's honestly the only lesson we have to learn.

Attachment Sucks!

I have an amazing amount of empathy, it's part of what makes me kinder, and gentler at times but also kind of haunts me. Not quite sure when i developed this, but it's a part of me now and i don't see it going away any time soon, nor do I want it to. The only downside is feeling stressed and worried, and hurt for someone else, even if you're not involved in the situation.

I think a lot of people get really good at turning off their emotions or maybe they've just mastered the art of detachment. Whatever the case may be, I've noticed not all of us have this issue with empathy. However, for those of us that do, it's definately a struggle. It's like there's an automatic energy exchange between you and someone else and suddenly you're the one feeling burdened even when you don't personally have a reason to.

I didn't even notice this was that big of deal until I started seeing a couple I cared about go through a divorce. I know there was nothing for me to do, and it was not my place to try to fix anything. I'd come to terms with the fact that everyone is going through their own process and sometimes there are difficult situations we choose to bring into our lives because they're necessary for our growth. I knew all of this but still I wanted to fix it. Not the marriage, but the hurt, and sadness, the anger, and resentment. It was then I realized just how much I felt all of their emotions, and how badly I wanted to stop. I wanted to fix things because I was at a point where I couldn't take it anymore, I was hurting right along with them and I felt awful.

Clearly I was too attached, to the people, to the situation, to everything. For several weeks I felt like I was being guided toward a single lesson...releasing attachments. And I understood that lesson on a superficial level before but now I really get it. I've peeled back the layers of that lessons and gotten down to the very core of it. Suffering comes from attachment. Now I know this probably sounds pretty rational and you think you understand that statement enough but odds are you don't. You can't possibly understand how deep that statement is until you've managed to disect it and proceeded to see and feel how it's relevant to every aspect of your life.

So today I challenge you to think about that statement "Suffereing come from attachment".
Think about what that really means for you in your life.
What are you attached to? how has it caused you some level of suffering?

Family Stress

I don't know about you guys but for the longest time my family was the biggest issue in my life. Now don't get me wrong, I love them dearly but...*sighs*...they just have a way of complicating things. I've grown enough to know that there's always a lesson to be learned in every situation but to be honest when it concerns family my first thought isn't always "hmmm, what can I learn?". My first thought is normally something along the lines of "F*ck, here we go again, let the stress begin".

I know everyone says that the way you think about a situation ultimately shapes the experience you have, and I completely agree. However, I also know that it can be really challenging at times to deal with the clusterf*ck of emotions that family brings out in us, and see things in a positive light. To be quite honest I spent a lot of my life blaming my family for most of my emotional issues. I was caught in a loop of "shoulds". They should've taught me certain things, should've been better role models, should've learned to deal with their own emotional issues so they didn't project that on to me, should've been more aware of the impact their words and actions have on the people around them...

These days when I go back and look at some of those emotional issues I've dealt with and try to get down to the root cause or remember the first time I felt a certain way, it does usually go back to family. And I certainly don't take back any of the thoughts I had about them in the past because I believe that was my truth at that point in time. But what I do take back is the resentment and the feeling of helplessness that I allowed myself to feel regarding my family. Blaming them really wasn't doing me any good, it only helped build up anger and resentment. Blaming them only made me less powerful, less in control of my own life and more unhappy.

It really all comes down to a feeling of helplessness. When you blame someone for your emotional reactions you willingly step into that victim role and become helpless. And helplessness is just not my cup of tea. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I am truly a fierce creative and powerful woman, and allowing myself to feel anything less than that does not serve me or others.

So think about who you've been handing your power over to, is it family, a boss, a partner???
Well let me give you a word of advice...TAKE IT BACK!
from now on just own your emotions, don't hand that power over to anyone else. You're much too powerful to ever play that victim role believably. ♥

Cure for lonely

 I think most of us have experienced a feeling of lonliness at some point in time. But do you ever think about the relation between being alone and feeling lonely? People tend to make the assumption that being alone=lonliness, which I don't believe at all. I look at it this way, being along is a physical state of being, ie you're alone in your room. Lonliness on the other hand is a an emotional state. So really these two things are completely different in nature and aren't really related. However we've somehow told ourselves the opposite is true.

 We fear being alone, and that fear is what brings loneliness into our lives. Most of us don't even know how to be alone, we feel like we need a certain amount of interaction with other people in order to stay sane. I always thought that was normal but it's really not. Don't you think it's bizarre that we look to connect with other people only to avoid connecting with ourselves? What is it about just being with ourselves that makes us so uncomfortable?Why does a physical state of being alone cause us such fear that it brings about an emotional state of loneliness and how do we change that?

I think the only way to get over loneliness is to be alone. Now I know it may not make sense at first but just hear me out. The reason there's so much fear surronding the thought of being alone is because in most cases it's unfamiliar to us. Many of us haven't ever really been alone before, because everytime we are we reach out for someone or something to distract us from ourselves. We need to become comfortable with being alone with ourselves, it's the only way we can get connected to what's really going on with us beneath the surface. Once you embrace the thought of enjoying your own company the issue of lonliness has a way of disappearing.

I like to think of lonliness as a reminder to connect with myself. Any time I've felt lonely it wasn't really because I was out of touch with other people it was because I was out of touch with myself. So next time you feel lonely try to dig deep and get to root of that feeling. Is the lonliness there because you don't have anyone to distract you from what's going on inside of you? If so, I suggest tapping into that feeling, let it guide you back to connecting with who you are and what you need...no distractions.

thought/action dynamic

This past wk I feel like I've been lost in my own thoughts, and it has been the most unproductive couple of days I've ever had. Now while I love and encourage being in touch with your thoughts the truth is sometimes we just get too comfortable and use it as a crutch. How many times have you kept yourself from taking action by telling yourself you have to think about it first? Now there are times where thinking things through is advisable but other times it only holds you back.

 It's incredibly easy to live life stuck inside your own head. Sadly we too often delay our own growth by doing this. We get so comfortable just thinking about things that we forget to act. I bet if I asked you to think about what it is you really want you could easily come up with at least 3 things right now and feel good about it. However if I asked you what steps you can take to make those things happen in your life odds are you would feel differently. I've noticed in my own life that even when I truly want something it takes a lot for me to make that shift from just thinking about it to actually taking actionable steps to make it happen. And it's not because I don't want those things, mostly it's because I've become so comfortable in my own thoughts that taking action makes me uncomfortable. Some people call that sort of thing a lack of motivation but I believe it goes much deeper than that. I think we find it challenging to grow and make things happen because at some point in our lives we've all experienced an unbelievable sense of safety and familiarity thats kind of paralyzing. We find comfort in thinking, and theorizing because it's safe, it's hypothetical. Action on the other hand, can be really uncomfortable, it's uncertain, and just downright scary at times. And I don't think giving yourself a temporary boost of motivation, can fix or change that sort of thought/action dynamic most of us experience. In my opinion motivation is fleeting, it's sort of like an energy drink, good for a quick boost but eventually it wears off.  I believe the only way to grow, to succeed, and get everything you want is to stop searching for comfort. You're not meant to live in your comfort zone, a life perpetually lived in a comfort zone is a life wasted. 

I truly believe that we have to train ourselves to get out of our heads and run towards taking action no matter how uncomfortable and unfamiliar the concept may seem. Otherwise we start living an unremarkable mediocre life that doesn't really fulfill us. And there's no reason why you should ever lead that kind of life when the very essence of who you are is amazing. I read once that scientists calculated the odds of you being born is one in four hundred trillion, if that isn't a miracle I don't know what is. It makes no sense to be a miracle and not do miraculous things! So whatever it is you want, whether it's a job, or romantic partner, I urge you to stop thinking about it! Get out of that dreadful quicksand like comfort zone you're in and embrace the idea of discomfort and taking action.  In order to ever live as anything other than mediocre you need to stop living in your head and start living in your actions.

Misunderstood

Once upon a time there was nothing more frustrating to me than being misunderstood. There was just something about feeling misunderstood that would get to my very core and hurt my heart. Now I know we like to think that whole "no one gets me" phase is only popular among highschool students but truth is a lot of us carry it with us well into adulthood. I don't think it's a feeling you can just outgrow.
I firmly believe everyone has felt misunderstood at some point in time, and will agree that normally it sucks.Whether you're being misunderstood in a relationship or in your career the feeling is usually unpleasant. It can be scary to think about expressing yours wants, hopes, and dreams, only to have people not understand what you're saying or where you're coming from. It's a fear some of us don't even fully realize we have, all we know is we don't like it and would rather avoid it. But you know what? I say, run towards that feeling and give it a hug because it doesn't matter if people don't get you or your ideas or your vision as long as you know and understand yourself.

As much as we'd all like to be completely understood by others, it's highly unlikely that things will work out that way 24/7. The reason being that you are YOU! There's no one else like you on the planet, and dare I say the universe! No one is going to understand you 100% percent of the time because you're unique and brilliant and possibly a visionary. Instead of seeing being misunderstood as a negative we should learn to see it as a compliment. The greatest minds in history were always terribly misunderstood, so I consider myself to be in excellent company when people just don't get me.

Furthermore I feel like embracing those moments when you feel misunderstood can be really liberating! In those moments you learn to seek self approval rather than seeking validation from outside sources. Because it honestly doesn't matter if a ton of other people understand your vision or believe in your dreams, all it takes is you. As long as you believe and you stand by your truth you're destined for greatness. So stop looking to be understood all the time. Mix it up and enjoy being misunderstood from time to time. See being misunderstood as a reminder of your greatness and remember that people don't need to understand greatness in order to recognize it.

Being Angry

There's been so much going on and so much on my mind in the past few weeks that I don't even know where to start with this blog. It feels like I haven't written in forever, but I have an insane amount of things to say.  I mean I seriously started like 7 posts (that I fully intend on completing and sharing asap) but just couldn't commit to finishing them at the time. I guess I just couldn't bring  myself to write anything because I've been too angry.. And obviously if I'm gonna share something with you all I want it to have a silver lining and be uplifting in one way or another. I wasn't just going to share bad vibes with you, but at the same time I wasn't ready to let go of my rage just yet.

So this leads me to todays post about anger. I know everyone always has advice on what you should do with your anger and if you're anything like me that probly gets on your last nerve.  My least favorite thing to hear is "just release it". Well today I say FUCK THAT! There is no just realeasing when you're fuming inside! Honestly when I'm furious I can't release anything because I don't want to! Sometimes it feels good to just let it sit with you. Sometimes trying to let go of your emotions too soon just makes you feel worse because you haven't allowed yourself the freedom to feel anything.

Most of us have this bad habit of shewing away any emotions we see as "dark". But the truth is emotions are just emotions. We shouldn't label them as good or bad. In order to be true to yourself you have to honor all of feelings, otherwise it's just another form of repression. I say feel your anger and stop trying to shove it out of the way. Try to allow yourself some time to completely feel your anger without doing anything else, without trying to hide or fix it. Take a day, an hour, however long you need, to take it all in. The key to this though, is not acting on it, all you have to do is give yourself permission to feel. Hang out with your anger until it stops feeling good, you'll know instinctively when it's time for you to release it...when it starts feeling heavy and holding on to anger feels like a burden, that's when it's time to let go.

So ask yourself have you been trying to shove your anger away, labeled it as a "bad" emotion?
have you been trying to force yourself to let go of your emotions before you're ready..befor you've allowed yourself to feel them?

Fearful Stress, Stressful Fear

Can't eat, can't sleep, can't seem to focus.You know what that means don't you?... Nope I'm not smitten like a kitten, I'm stressed out of my mind! Stress can be a productive thing sometimes but in my case it was just driving me straight to crazytown, and I needed to catch a cab back to reality asap!

I don't know about you but I have a physical reaction to stress. It's a heavy feeling in my chest that almost makes it hard to breathe. It physically feels like there is something in my chest I just wanna rip out. My stress gets that intense and that awful. But this time while in my state of stress induced neurosis I had a brief moment of clarity and finally understood that feeling. It ocurred to me that intense feeling of discomfort we get when stressed is nothing more than fear growing and spreading roots in our hearts.


Fear is a tricky little thing, because it's rarely obvious. It likes to hide behind anger, stress, love and what we like to call cautiousness. And I've gotta hand it to fear because it's subtle yet paralyzing approach is almost fool proof, and pretty genius. I mean if fear were a character in a movie it'd be the stealthy mastermind that spent his whole life studying books like Sun Tzu's Art of War. That's just how serious fear is. And yes it can suck big time, but honestly fear wants to be your friend. Even though its methods are clearly flawed, fear is really just trying to protect you from the things you've made yourself believe you aren't strong enough to handle. But remember how I said fears tactics are ALMOST fool proof? That almost is important, it means there's hope for us yet.

Now I can go on and on about how to do something productive with your fear but I'm not going to. You  already know the possibilities are endless; you can do a shit load of positive things if you learn to channel your fear. Furthermore, you and I both know that the chances of you WANTING to do anything at all while in a state of panic are slim to none. So lets just be honest with ourselves for a second and agree that the only way to get out of crazytown is to hop in a car with your fear. Now let me be clear I'm not saying face it head on get aggressive and bring out your inner action hero to kick ass. Bullying your fear is not the answer, it'll just come back stronger. Instead take baby steps, start spending a little time with your fears, have a few deep conversations with it, really get to know your fear. Getting in touch with what your fears are all about and why they're there is the only way stop it's paralyzing side effects. So share a cab with your fear, meet up for coffee, or hell go to the gym with it but really get to know it. Take baby steps, lots of deep breaths and remind yourself you're strong enough to do this!

what are you afraid to express? what ingredient are you leaving out?

What are you afraid to express? We've all had something we're afraid to express or embrace. Sometimes it's because we're scared to be judged by others but most of the time we're just scared of ourselves. There are bits and pieces of ourselves that we like to hide away for no one to see, not even us. We know they're still there but refuse to let them out...I've always felt like a caged bird, but it wasnt until recently that I realized I was the one caging myself in. I longed for freedom and thought that came with changing my external circumstances but just like with everything else it all starts from within.

I believe we fear ourselves much more than we fear anything or anyone else. Fear what we feel and believe and sometimes even fear those things we know deep down we need desperately. I feared my freedom. Now let me explain, all of my life I've been responsible, dependable, logical, for the most part I am queen of keeping it together. I don't usually take risks, and in the rare instances that I do they're VERY carefully calculated and odds are I have nothing to lose. But despite how logical practical and put together I am there's always a part of me that wants the freedom to be completely reckless.

I would look at people who were crazy impulsive and took risks and WISH I could let myself go enough to do those things, to be that free. But I never trusted myself, that's what it all comes down to. I thought that if I let that crazy impulsive fearless side of me out of it's cage all hell would break loose. In all serioiusness I was scared of the damage I could do to myself, of the bad things that could happen. And how insane is that??!! do you know how bizarre it is to limit yourself and basically cage yourself in emotionally because you don't have the courage to trust your own inner wisdom. I mean I really don't know what dangers I thought I was protecting the world from by denying myself a sense of freedom, and to be completely honest it hadn't REALLY hit me how ridiculous I was being till I started writting this.

When we lock away all those pieces of ourselves that we view as a threat or see as potentially dangerous ( whether it's our emotions, impulsiveness, sensuality, etc) we deny ourselves the freedom to be ourselves. Even the things you're afraid to express are a part of you. Leaving them out of the equation doesn't make you a better person it makes you incomplete, and a tad bit repressed.

Have you ever cooked something and left out an ingrediant only to find yourself disappointed with the end result? You know that feeling you get when you first bite into something that looks amazing but instantly tastes like it's missing something. You may not know what's missing but you instinctively know there's something that could make it way better...Ok now think of a time where you tasted something perfect, nothing was missing, every flavor blended and complimented each other in such a way that your first bite was nearly orgasmic, remember that? Well that's kind of what we're like. Think of yourself as a full course meal in progress. Any time you deny a part of yourself you're leaving out an ingredient that makes you that much more amazingly delicious.

Learn to embrace all the pieces of you and above all trust yourself! Trust that inner guide and inner wisdom that knows how to bring you balance and mixes all the parts of you to perfection in order to create the most yummy version of you possible!

Always ask questions

I am quite possibly one of THE most inquisitive people you will ever meet in your life! I love questions, it's like those two weeks in middle school where the teacher taught me to ask who, what, where, why, (and how) before writting an essay are permanently engrained in my mind. I don't purposely ask a ton of questions to irritate people but it's kind of like a reflex for me now. I carry those simple questions with me everywhere because I learned at a young age that all the really important parts of a story are hidden in the details. In the past I've seen my affinity for questions as a negative thing, mostly because it seemed no one ever had any answers for me. However, today I realized it was my biggest asset.

I love questions because I hate confusion. Asking questions allows you to get through all the superficial layers of sugarcoated BS and get down to what's really important. Questions bring clarity and clarity brings peace of mind, simple as that.

See like I said before, the real story is always in the details. The story of who your are where you are and where you're going can all be figured out by answering a few simple questions. Problem is people are often afraid to question themselves, and even when they do decide to ask questions they ask all the wrong ones. I was taught to ask who, what, when, where and how, but even as a kid 'how' always seemed out of place. Oddly enough that's the one question we ask ourselves daily. The issue with always asking 'how' is you rarely have an answer. Unless we're talking about the past or can somehow see into the future, none of us ever know 'how'. It's like a trick question.

Replace your 'how?' with 'what? and why?'. Those are questions you actually hold the answers to, even when you think you have no clue. Trust me when I say 'how?' can paralyze you. Stop wondering how things will work out and instead ask what..what is it you really want? once you think you have an answer get past the superficial layers and ask why? That question is a life changer.

Once you figure out the real reason why you want something it opens up a whole lot of lock doors, you start getting answers you didn't know you needed. Sometimes you realize you want certain things for all the wrong reasons, and learn that what you actually need is something completely different. Other times you're able to get in touch with some really amazing reasons as to why you want something; you're able to tap into your passion and light a spark inside yourself to make it happen. So don't be afraid to ask questions, especially when you're asking yourself. Ask questions, Ask often, Ask what, Ask why.

who's up for an emotional rollercoaster?

Ok so I cannot even begin to express to you guys how difficult it's been to try to write something these past few days. I have been through such an emotional rollercoaster in the past week! Every time I thought I had it together and the craziness had passed I'd come up on another emotional loopty loop. Which brings me to todays blog, unknowingly getting caught in a loop and how to get out.

Now a loop can be pretty much any repetetive behavior whether it's being stuck on that one person you can't seem to get over or making decisions that keep you in the same situation. And let me tell you something about loops, they kinda suck! Just like on a rollercoaster, the emotional loops in my life get me feeling out of sorts and plenty nauseaous.

I know we've all had them, we get caught in a vicious cycle with no real clue on how to make it out in one piece. And I would love to tell you I figured out how to get you out of your vicious cycle in one piece but I can't. As far as I can tell the only way out is to break. Yes, break. Sounds crazy but the way i see it we're caught in this loop because there's something we need to learn, there's some lesson that just isn't getting through to us. Sometimes the only way for things to really get to our core we need to allow ourselves to break open, that's right not just crack a little but break completely open. Let our walls crumble and our illusions shatter completely so we can see truth.

I get caught in relationship loops. Actually it's just one hell of a loop my rollercoaster has been stuck on for years. It's one of those I love you, I think I love you not..I'm over it, we can be just friends..sorta, kinda, aw hell idk wtf is goin on!!!
Every time I think I'm off I get sucked back in without even noticing it, but you know what I'm pretty tired of it. I'm gonna let myself break open, let truth shine through and finally allow myself to break free from the vicious cycle uncertainty.

I Surrender

"I surrender". There's something really powerful about those two words. I used to see surrender as giving up but it's not, it's giving in. But its giving in,  in a beautiful way, in a way that gives you a special kind of freedom you didn't know you needed. Letting the genle current of the universe carry you where it may because you know wherever it takes you will be beautiful. Takes a great deal of trust to surrender. Trust in yourself, in the greater good, trust that there are certain things we are destined to live and learn.

I always saw myself as swimming up stream, and try as I might i never really got where I was going. It was hard, exhausting, and frustrating but how else would I get what I wanted? Surrendering anything was far from my mind, I definately had a control issue. Still somehow little by little I started relinquishing control, realized I needed more and wanted more from life than just struggle. So I began letting go of my "wants" because honestly for most of my life I was never 100% sure that I really wanted what I said I wanted. I'd make up my mind to want something and would struggle and fight to get it but deep down I always doubted if it was right. And looking back It almost makes no sense to fight so hard for something you're unsure of.

Surrender offers a freedom and release from all your expectations. It allows things to start to flow naturally and fall into place in the best possible way. You see surrending is an art form. One I admit can be quite challenging to master. But I think we make it far more difficult than it has to be. We fear it like it's going to take something precious away from us. We think that when we decide to surrender and release a certain feeling, person or situation it means we have to forget it ever existed, but thats not how it works. Once you surrender, you still remember, and still feel. And that's fine, that's beautiful because it's what we're meant to do, feel (trust me, you'll look back on it and be glad you didn't go numb).

I know first hand it can be hard to let go of things when you're so emotionally invested in them but I think the key is to work with your emotions, not neglect them. In my experience surrendering is always challenging but the level of bravery needed to take the step towards surrender increases when what you have to release is a person. And it's even harder to do it when the emotions you're feeling are anger and love. Now if its anger than keeps you linked to that person the awesome news is this to me is the easiest of the two! In this case it's all about loving yourself and seeing how holding on to that anger affects you negatively. Anger and grudges can consume you and start to eat you up from the inside. Remember every second spent in anger is a potential second of happiness wasted

... Now if it's love that keeps you holding on I just wanna take a moment to send you a ton of love and give you a virtual hug ♥♥HUG♥♥

And I wanna just tell you that you are incredibly blessed, because you know love, and odds are you are absolutely amazing at loving others because you care so truly and deeply, and that is nothing short of a miracle, it's a gift.
Now with that being said, take a deep breath and make a conscious decision to let go of whoever it is you feel you need to release. Realize there are many ways to love. And sometimes letting go is the best and biggest act of love.
 So this week I'm making it all about surrender. I surrender my fears to the universe because I don't need or want them anymore. Surrender my dreams to the universe so they can come true, and surrender the person I love to universe because I don't know what's best for him, all I know is I want him to be happy. Today I stop swimming up stream, I'll surrender everything, out of love for myself and love for others. What do you have to surrender?

single for the holidays

I know around the holiday season it can get especially hard to deal with relationship issues whether it's friends, family or romantic. It's crazy but even when being surrounded by a ton of people around the holidays we tend to feel lonelier than ever before. That loneliness is brought about by all the comparing we do...We start comparing ourselves to all those people who are in relationships (real or otherwise). Other times we get hit with nostalgia like a ton of bricks and start comparing our last relationship to our current state of singleness. Or maybe you just compare this entire holiday season to one from your past and start counting all the ways things are different this yr. Whatever it is you're comparing, the point is you're comparing! And we really shouldn't compare our past to our present. This holiday season is different, just accept it. But just because it's different doesn't mean it has to be bad . Different can be amazing and beautiful.


I speak from experience when I say that it can be hard not being in a relationship this time of year. Just yesterday I got hit with the dreaded sense of nostalgia; started thinking about a past relationship and felt myself getting so bummed out I was practically channeling the depressed donkey from winnie tthe pooh . And wanna know what I did? Stopped watching the sad romantic drama mess on my tv! It wasn't till that moment I realized just how much that kind of stuff can affect us. We get bombarded with all these images of happy couples and families and start to feel like there's something wrong with not having that right now, like there's something wrong with us. We buy into this idea that the holidays are somehow less special if you're alone. But the truth is all the happy couples in commercials, and movies are FAKE! Somehow we overlook the fact that these images that are being fed to us are fiction. Now I'm all about happy couples, I love to see them, but more often than not when you look around at couples today they're nothing like the ones in the movies. Some of the real couples aren't even happy because the only thing keeping them in the relationship is a fear of loneliness. And settlling out of fear is most definately not how I want to spend my holiday season.


Theres a lot about this time of year that can make us buy into the illusion that we're lonely. And For the record being alone does not mean you're lonley. But I get it, we all want to share our lives and love with people who will love us back with just as much intensity as we do them. That's the key to all of this though, is realizing that what you want isn't just someone to kiss under the mistletoe or on new years. What you want is way better, because you deserve way better. Now is not the time to settle for less than you deserve, that would be the worst gift you could everrr give yourself. So this holiday season forget your ex, forget about how your friends are all coupled up, forget about anything and anyone that brings you down because this is meant to be a time of celebration! The holidays are meant to be a celebration of Love and you my darling ARE LOVE. So get out of your funk and celebrate you and all your awesomeness! you deserve it!

stop being so competetive!

"Stop being so competetive!" I tell myself this pretty consistantly. I find it so easy to get into a competetive mode where i'm comparing myself to others trying to size up who's smarter, more successful, more likeable, etc . Maybe it's because we live in a really competetive world or the fact I had low self esteem but I gotta say I loved competition. Mostly because I didn't feel I ever really lost (the fact that most of these competitions took place in my head probably had a lot to do with that).  I think around the holidays there's an especially strong spirit of competition and comparision going around when what we should be feeling is a strong sense of love and oneness.

Sometimes I feel the holidays are like the olympics for all the competitions we hold in our heads.
 If you're a woman going to holiday parties you're often competing (in your head) with every other woman there (your outfit just HAS to be beyond fabulous because the thought of someone looking better than you throws you into a frenzy). We run around department stores like chickens with our heads cut off trying to find the perfect gift before someone else grabs it, or spend hours brainstorming for a gift that will outshine everyone elses. We're always competing to stand out, but overlook the fact that you can't possibly stand out when you're doing the exact same thing everyone else is doing!

There is so much craziness we encourage during this time of year, and it's all because we get into this competetive mind set. We even end up rubbing off on kids because once christmas break is over they head back to school in that same competetive mindset. I remember going back to school after christmas and all the kids would talk about is who got the best gifts. They'd brag about how they got more presents than a fellow classmate. And all of this was normal for us! Even though we all knew deep down the holiday season meant more we never really acted that way because we were too caught up competeing with each other. I think that's the saddest part is even now as an adult I still see too many people caught up in that same mindset, too concerned with having the best "toys" or gifts . People often put so much emphasis on gifts and competiton during the holidays that they forget the biggest and best gift you can ever give and recieve is LOVE, and nothing can ever compete with that.

So just think about you holiday season so far...have you gotten caught up in a competetive mind set instead of focusing on love?

Regret

I was thinking about my life this morning and all the ways it could be different. I started going through all the choices I've made and began to have an internal dialogue. I thought about the job I left and how I should've held in there for a little bit longer. I mean sure I was unhappy but at least it gave me a source of income. It would've been practical to suck it up and stay there, but when you feel like you're drowning and start to see life pass you by the last thing on your mind is practicality. So here I am, unempolyed with bills to pay and I thought hmm have I hit rock bottom? but instinctively I felt something within me say no..I needed all of this, I've made no mistakes because there is no such thing. Then it hit me this is what it feels like to not have any regrets. Feels like freedom, and it's authentic this time. It's not like all the other times I said I had no regrets but in the back of my mind kep holding on to all the "what ifs" of the past wanting to do it differently. For the first time ever I'm truly embracing my life and where I am. I can honestly say that from the moment I left that job I've been working on myself, growing. I realize now that any hardships I've encountered because of that decision were necessary and essential to my growth and happiness. Had I not left that job I wouldn't have had the time to get in touch with what it is I really want and maybe I would not have been able to make the decision to align my career with what I feel is my purpose. I mean yea I may not see all the money I'd like in my bank account right now, but I trust I will soon. Plus I think finding your sense of purpose and happiness is worth waaaaaaay more than they could've ever paid me. So if I could do it all over again, I'd do it all the same. I know now that not regreting anything means learning from everything.

Masking Vulnerability

  Today I found myself feeling desperate. And to me that is such an ugly word, it just screams 'lack'. I noticed that whenever I feel desperate it's because I'm thinking from a place of lack, and "I don't haves". I don't have enough time, I don't have enough money, I don't have a solution, I JUST DON'T HAVE ANYTHING. That's what the thoughts in my head kept screaming today. The great part about this is it made me ask for help.

I've never been the type of person to ask for help...hell, I hardly ever accept it when it's offered. But I'd recently watched a TEDx talk about the importance of being vulnerable. The speaker said the one thing that people who live whole heartedly have in common is their willingness to be vulnerable. Now I have to say that initially my ego scoffed at the thought of vulnerability, but upon further consideration I came to the conclusion that it's actually a damn good idea! So I asked for help in every way i could. I asked the universe to give me a break and gimme a sign, and I asked a group of amazing people for support. And you know what? I got it! I felt so much love and support from people holding space for me. I even started seeing 11's everywhere. Not only did the universe have my back, but so did everyone else. And all I had to do was ask..

When you think about it, vulnerability is nothing more than being authentic, it's pure honesty. Think how much easier would your life be if you were just honest ALL the time. No more pretending you're alright, or acting like you can do it all on your own. You wouldn't have to worry about wearing a certain mask, or playing a certain role, you could just be. And let's be honest acting like you can do it all only makes you feel crappy. What usually happens is you act like you've got it under control even though you're falling apart inside, and though we may not readily admit it we want someone to reach out and offer to help. But no one does because they only know what they see and what they see is someone who's "in control" and doesn't need anything. Then we end up feeling even worse thinking no one cares enough to offer their help or support when you really need it. See how refusing to be vulnerable and ask for help just turns into an emotional downward spiral of suckyness? You  may think you're protecting yourself by refusing to be vulnerable but in reality masking your vulnerability only pushes people away and leaves you feeling exhausted, isolated and probly a little pissed off. So allow yourself to be vulnerable, be honest, be authentic, trust me it's much less stressful.

Clues from my subconscious

 I'm a big believer in signs, I think they're everywhere and we just need to be open to them. Sometimes they're in the most unexpected places. For example, today I was going through some of my old emails and profiles and noticed something that really surprised me. Up until recently, I rarely if ever capitalized my name. Now to most people it may not seem like a big deal but having gone through a battle with my own self loathing I was able to recognize that was just one more sign of my lack of self love that I hadn't noticed before.

You see every time something is important you capitalize it. Ever since elementary school I was taught that the first letter of important names were always capitalized. Did I not think my name was important enough to merrit a capital R, damnit?!...Clearly, I didn't. I found myself getting annoyed by this lack of capital letters in my name because I knew it meant more. This wasn't just about me being too lazy or in too much of a rush to capitalize things. This was a direct reflection of the lack of self worth and self love I'd experienced in the past.

It's crazy how these little signs are everywhere. There are always clues that let you know there's something you need to work on. Even the feelings we supress and things we try to hide find their way into the light in one way or another. Most of the time we're just too busy rushing through life, to see these warning signs. Other times we overlook these things and write them off as being insignificant. But we have to become more aware of these little signs, it's guidance. Subconsciously you KNOW there's a problem and you WANT to fix. These little clues you see as "insignificant" can really help bring to the surface things we need to address and wounds we need to heal.
So take a an honest look at yourself, and get curious about the things you do and why you do them. If there's one thing I've learned, it's that there is always a reason and deeper meaning to everything we do.

Much ♥
'R'osi